Chaos Engine’s former Captain hands over the baton to Tone Death and gives him some advice to send him on his way. Tone will be leading Chaos Engine this Saturday in a battle against the Wirral’s Pack Animals that is going to be so tight even Flat Track Stats can’t call it.
Captain Malice reflects – photo by Shirlaine Forrest
Malice - I captained Chaos Engine from their inception to the last round of elections. I did a pretty good job and grew to know the team and the issues they face pretty well. Now, with the reigns handed over to Tone Deaf, I’ll impart my gained wisdom to you Tone.
1) Feed them and make them do HAMMER LAPS
Chaos Engine are a small team of skinny guys – bar Veggie Kray and Edgar Allen Woah there ain’t much meat on their bones. So, take them out and feed them up, gotta put fuel in the Engine – then, beast them in in training and make them do HAMMER LAPS (Hammer Laps are the evil invention of Sausage Roller – 1 minute of laps followed by as many press-ups as possible x 5) so they can grow big muscles like Assistant Coach Smack Bauer. If this doesn’t work you still get a team social, cheeky bonus.
2) Hold On To Your Talent
We’re a B-Team so we get the raw talent first, and as soon as they get through our high level of training, they’re eager to fight onwards to New Wheeled Order. We just lost Jim Jams and he’s a big loss. To combat this I think spreading the entirely true rumour of just how bad they smell (ask Roller Du-Sco, she knows) may help, or telling them the story of the time Don G’s cat mistook his kit bag for a litter box.
3) Train them to hit like women
As I said, Chaos are a bunch of small dudes and other men’s teams are bigger and heavier, so when it comes to shoulder to shoulder, we lose. But, most guys don’t train co-ed and are weak to hip checks. If we can learn how to hip check like the powerhouse of the CheckerBroads then we’re in business, ask nicely and maybe they’ll do a guest coaching session on hip checks. You might have to bribe them.
4) Learn a whole bunch of jokes and funny stories
Sounds odd, but training can be stressful and a stressed Engine blows up. You can always defuse stress with a well-timed joke and funny voice. I highly recommend really bad Dad jokes, the more terrible and groan inducing the better. The following is a good baseline:
What’s ET short for?
Because he’s only got little legs.
Plus we’re a B-Team, we should be having fun – work hard, sweat so much when we hit the deck we leave a slick patch – but do it with a smile on your face and a song in your heart. If you ain’t smiling, what’s the point?
5) Learn to do the team shout
I heard about Edgar’s effort, I won’t be back for at least another 6 months so you need to train someone to bellow out the “BRING THE CHAOS” part of the team chant and I think, as Captain, it should be you. I reckon if you channel into your Captain powers you can summon a bellowing roar, but, as long as Edgar doesn’t do it would should be fine. Don’t worry though, upon my triumphant return I’ll be sure to bring my full on Brian Blessed-esque booming voice, because I will be back and I will bring the Noise.
I hope this helps Tone, you’ve inherited a team I led into many horrific defeats, SDRD putting nearly 300 points on us at MERDC ’13 was a fun one, as well as one wonderfully close win, but it was always with pride. I’m happy stepping back from the team to focus on my personal life safe in the knowledge that they’re in good hands. I wish you the best of luck, and remember, some Pack Animals were a part of Chaos Engine at MERDC ’13 and did us proud. So expect a tough bout and Bring The Noise.
Chaos Engine – photo by Shirlaine Forrest
See Chaos Engine and Tone Deaf this Saturday 6 December at Leasowe Recreation Centre – tickets on sale for just a pound until Midnight tonight! Check out the facebook event for more information.