Shut up fool! Mean Machines take Mr. T. Stops down 45-44


LA Derby Dolls”Pity The April Fool”
April 21, 2007
Little Tokyo Shopping Mall, Los Angeles, CA

The last “Baby Doll Brawl” in December gave us the dramatic high flying”Johnny Crash” block caught on video Derby Dolls Boom!. PITA and Leia Mout (the dramatic players in the video), along with Mila Minute, Gori Spelling and Laguna Beyatch, emerged from that game to raise their respective veteran teams to a whole new level.

“I Pity The April Fool” is the LA Derby Dolls’s second debutante brawl, where the new skaters in training get their”first blood” in front of LADD fans. These games are a gift to the fans, giving them a preview of LADD’s future. Fueled by raw enthusiasm, energy channeled by their first crowd pops, and sometimes sheer lunacy, anything can happen in these games. Even those who know the skaters’ skills shrug their shoulders when trying to guess a winner before the game.

Both the Mean Machines and Mr. T. Stops established early on that the point of this game was to knock as many of the opposing players to the track as possible. Never mind that they were taking themselves out at the same time.

The Machines took an early lead in the first jam by bowling a strike against the Stops with nearly all of their players hitting the boards, the Machines taking the jam 3-0. But the Mr. T. Stops immediately turned around and returned the favor, coming back in the second jam 5-0. And they were off.

The jams that followed were sheer madness. Skaters flying, falling, piling up. The teams were so closely matched that no team led for more than a few minutes at a time. By the sixth jam, the score was tied up and it was clear that the game was going to be tight.

While defense for both teams was often brilliant, it lacked the polished consistency of the vets. A jam might start out with coordinated teamwork, but before the jammers exited the pack on their first pass it was every skater for herself. The focus on the moment often meant that an individually successful attack on an opposition player would result in taking down a skater’s own team along with the rest of the pack.

The rugged individualist defense was reflected in the high overall score. At the end of the first half , the Mr. T. Stops were leading the Mean Machines 25-23.

(The game was played as two 15 minute halves instead of the usual four 12 minute quarters).

The Mean Machines immediately evened out the score in the second half, followed by a 5 point jam for the T. Stops from Haught Wheels. But Laura Palm-her and Hellbound Harlot immediately came back for the Machines with 7 points in two jams.

Fighty Almighty was matched against PITA in the new to her roll as a jammer. Fighty Almighty proved herself as a defensive sub for the Fight Crew in their recent game against the Tough Cookies, and was a defense-offense combo powerhouse in this game. It turned out that PITA could do offense as well as defense, and neophyte Fighty could hold her own against her, bringing the jam a dead even 3-3 tie.

The jams continually flip flopped 1-4, 4-1, 0-3, 3-0 almost symmetrically.

But as the game tied up, three jams to the end, Fighty in another matchup with PITA, took the jam 3-0 to take the Mr. T. Stops to the lead 44-42.

The next jam was beaten to a 0-0 stalemate as both teams pushed their defense to the limit. It looked like anything could happen, and there was the possibility of a first ever LA Derby Doll tie.

At the start of the last jam, it seemed that the Mr. T. Stops would run out the clock, with their blockers heading to the front of the pack and speeding away in an attempt at a”runaway pussy” type of strategy. Ghetto Stiletto was barreling through the pack when one of her teammates appeared to get taken out with friendly fire, and Hellbound Harlot skirted the carnage to blast ahead. The Mean Machine’s plan was coming together, while the Mr. T. Stops got their plan to 1, 2 and 3, but they forgot 4, 5, and 6.

The concrete floor shook from the deafening roar the crowd made, as the defense left behind started a serious mosh pit on wheels, keeping Ghetto well out of reach. Harlot made it through most of the pack on her scoring run when she was taken out. She promptly regained her feet and called off the jam after scoring 3 points, leaving the Mean Machines with a razor edged single point lead for a 45-44 win.

Points Per Jammer

Mr. T Stops
Fighty Almighty: 13
Haught Wheels: 10
Ghetto Stiletto: 9
Anne Hackaway: 8
Goldie Harm: 4

Mean Machines
Roxy Cotton: 14
Hellbound Harlot: 11
PITA: 10
Laura Palm-her: 5
Vulvarine: 5

Number of jams: 24
Number of jams with a 0-0 score: 4


For each jammer:
+1 for every point a jammer scores in a jam
-1 for every point the opposing jammer scores

Mr. T Stops
Anne Hackaway: -7
Haught Wheels: +10
Fighty Almighty: -2
Goldie Harm: -4
Ghetto Stiletto: +2

Mean Machines
Roxy Cotton: +13
Hellbound Harlot: -8
Laura Palm-her: +2
Vulvarine: -6


Mr. T Stops
Anne Hackaway: 3 minors
Fighty Almighty: 2 minors
Ghetto Stiletto: 1 major, 1 minor
Haught Wheels: 1 minor
Titty Titty Bang Bang: 2 minors
TOTAL: 1 major, 10 minors

Mean Machines
Ali Mony: 2 minors
Ana Hymen: 3 minors
Hellbound Harlot: 1 minor
Long Island Lolita: 3 minors
Vulvarine: 2 minors
TOTAL: 11 minors


Captain: #33.3 Fighty Almighty
Co-Captain: #0 Haught Wheels
#25 Pushy Whipped
#AK-47 Titty Titty Bang Bang
#67-Kills Anne Hackaway
#7 Ghetto Stiletto
#155 Clobber Girl
#187 Killo Kitty
#974 Goldie Harm
## Ryder Hard
# (infinity) Pinkatastrophe

Captain: #105 Chica Kaliente
Co-Captain #80pf Hellbound Harlot
#10K Ali Mony
#22 Aggro Vader
#24-7 PITA
#160mg Roxy Cotton
#303 Laura Palm-her
#.308 Sniperella
#516 Long Island Lolita
#714 Ana Hymen
#V Vulvarine

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