Shenanigans! Uniform-ripping! Putas in superhero spandex!
Last Saturday night’s high-stakes match promised to be the most exciting of 2016 yet, and boy, did it deliver as the Hellcats took down the Cherry Bombs, 57-47.
The mood at the Thunderdome was raucous and anticipatory as the Cherry Bombs and Hellcats took to the track, both sporting the swagger of a 2016 victory already under their belts. There was an undercurrent of tension, though, with both teams knowing that they might taste defeat for the first time this season and both ready to do whatever it took to prevent that from happening.
Quarter one began with the Hellcats playing it safe, both Jammit Janet and Hannthrax breaking the pack and strategically calling their respective jams before any points were scored. As soon as they became comfortable, kitties quickly hit the gas and began gathering points, but the Bombs were not to be outdone, with Rolla Parks and Ninja Please applying their blocking prowess to the jammer star, bouncing pinball-style through the pack to narrow the point gap, and the willowy Bendy Davis dodging around Hellcat walls like Roe v. Wade was on the line in a 4-point jam.
The star of the first quarter, however, was unquestionably MoLestHer, who not only scored nearly half of her team’s points in the quarter but also lived up to her name by tearing Ninja Please’s uniform open in retaliation for a vicious elbow from the Bomb jammer!
Tensions ratcheted up in the second quarter as the Bombs stole the lead, with Rolla and both Bombs captains Train Wreck Trina and Milla Juke-A-Bitch enjoying several high-scoring jams, aided by the wall-obliterating talents of blockers Bully Jean, Zara Problem and Lois Slayin’.
The hostility continued between Mo and Ninja, each targeting the other and both earning major penalties for their trouble. Mo’s hijinks eventually got the better of her, and the bad kitty was ousted, hissing and spitting, in the earliest ejection we’ve seen all season! Surprisingly, the loss of Mo signaled a turn in the Hellcats’ favor. The blow to their already-depleted roster spurred the cats into action, and they clawed their way back into the lead with help of the rising star of the Hired Gun$ pool, the indefatigable Break n’ Bake, who raked in 8 of the Hellcats 9 second-quarter points!
With the Hellcats holding the lead at 31-30, the third quarter found both teams looking visibly exhausted but not ready to roll over. With the determination of her namesake filibustering a room full of old Republican men, Bendy Davis pulled in another 5 points, leaving opponent Ramona deFlowers in the dust! When Rolla followed with a blistering 7-point jam as her team easily corralled Break, it began to look like this quarter would belong to the Bombs, but a third major penalty for Ninja Please, making her the second skater ejected from the game, reminded the girls in green that their 42-33 lead was no guarantee of an overall win. The tides began to turn as Hellcat blockers Smash-U-Delirious and hired kitty Emerson Biggins teamed up for some effective tractor-trailer defensive action and the powerful Heathen and her captain Roxxi Revolver maintained a slow pack and controlled their opponents with killer positional blocks.
In an end-of-quarter shake-up, rookie Ramona deFlowers came out ahead in a jam against Rolla, scoring 4 points and calling it, establishing herself as a jammer to be reckoned with! With 36 seconds remaining in the quarter, the Bombs took off running as Jammit Janet broke the pack before Train Wreck, but the Grinning Reaper caught enough of them to put her team in the lead at 44-41.
By now, the Thunderdome was in a frenzy, each moment a skater from either team took lead jammer status heralded by a deafening roar from the stands. Both teams were getting desperate, as evidenced by a smattering of minor penalties and a major on powerhouse Bully Jean for a high block that put Ramona deFlowers flat on her ass. The tension came to a head when Zara Problem took down Hellcat captain and notorious agitator Glitterotica for an old-school scuffle on the track, giving her a few good wallops and the audience a hell of a show!
Despite valiant efforts by the Bombs to retake the lead, they were clearly exhausted by this point, and could not maneuver past the impenetrable Hellcat walls of Roxxi, Heathen, Smash, Soviet Crusha, and their pivot at the helm, Glitterotica. To seal the deal, the Hellcats pulled out their ringer, Hannthrax, whose agility against the battered Bomb defense was enough to capture the win!
It is clear that the Hellcats are this season’s team to beat. After last season’s defeats, they have been powered by a fierce hunger to reclaim their honor, and any team who hopes to beat them on their way to the Calvello Cup must want it as badly as they do–no easy task. But the Cherry Bombs more than proved that they are up to the challenge in the tightest, hardest-fought game of the season. As the teams made their post-game round of hugs and congratulations, the mutual respect and admiration was clear.
Hellcats grace the top with a 2-0 winning streak, while the Bombs share a 1-1 push and shove standing with the Holy Rollers. You can watch the RollerBomb battle on June 25th.
Hellcats : (Janet 21, Break 13, Hannthrax 9, Mo 9, Ramona 5)
Cherry Bombs : (Rolla 13, Bendy 11, Milla 9, Trainwreck 9, Bambi 4, Ninja 1)
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